It’s that time of year again. The gym is overrun by the post-New Year’s crowds. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy for people to make resolutions and try to fulfill them. It’s just that we all know they’ll be out of there by February. In the meantime, they’re ruining my workout routine by being fucking annoying. Here are a few of the characters you’ll find in any Egyptian gym. Avoid them and, more importantly, avoid being one of them:
The Grunters I realize that lifting weights can be a bit strenuous, but for fucks’ sake, what’s with the scary noises? Seriously. You might fancy yourself a bit of a stud, but these bedroom noises should stay there.
The Snoozers I am not a violent person but sometimes I just want to slap them upside their heads! I mean, really, unless the gym has a machine for every person, please take your naps at home and move along quickly.
The Posers I remember the good old days when people went to the gym to actually workout in workout clothes. I don’t know who told these boys and girls that fashionable outfits burn more calories. There are parts of the male anatomy that are more suitably covered by loose, draped fabric. If it looks like you’re hiding a floatie in your shorts, then it’s too bloody tight. And ladies, proper undergarments are a MUST. Please purchase and use them. And may I just point out that the thong-over-spandex look disappeared for a reason? And while we’re at it: make-up, girls? Really? Unless you want to provide some amusement as your foundation and eyeliner melt down your face, you need to get a grip on this situation.
The Gawkers By this, I don’t mean the sneak-a-peek-at-my-ass type. I am referring to the creepy men staring and ogling the women. I know boys will boys (even when they’re fully grown), and they are going to look, but can you do it discreetly? I see so many men nearly drop heavy weights by becoming distracted by a female that walks by. Wipe the drool off your chin and move along, buddy. We see you and trust me, it’s not attractive.
The Stinkers The gym is full of sweaty people. Sweaty people smell bad and there’s nothing we can do about. But I’m not talking about your average sweaty stink. I’m talking about STINK. The kind of smell that will cause your lungs to seize up and your eyes to water. I believe it was comedian John Fox who described something as smelling of “ass and cat food.” That’s the smell. If you smell like that, do something about it. But before you go running to your Old Spice, Chanel No. 5 or your trusty White Diamonds, please be aware that these are not for the gym. When mixed with sweat, the result induces asthmatic symptoms. Just don’t do it. Please.
The Hulk One of the benefits of actually working out at the gym (other than hooking up and annoying other people) is to build a healthy and attractive body. But apparently, for one type of gym-goer, this isn’t enough. They need to go beyond that. Waaaaaaay beyond. They needs to make sure everyone in the gym, especially the chicks, notice their broad shoulders, pumped biceps, and fragile egos. You may also notice that it generally takes them five minutes to cross the room, simply because they’re too busy looking at themselves in the mirror.
The Shrunken Jane Fonda I love them. I truly love the brashness of old women. The“ I’m going to show all you tight-skinned bitches what’s in store for you!” attitude is my favourite part. And thanks to them, I now know exactly which parts of my body will become disturbingly lower as time passes and why old ladies wear the granny panties that they do. Simply put, your average bikini-style panties just aren’t going to be able to contain all that droopage.
The Sexy Stretchers Watching these people “stretch” is just downright uncomfortable. It looks more like a warm-up for some seriously kinky shit. I’m talking about moves taken straight from the Kama Sutra. Guys and girls, could you save the fitness foreplay for the privacy of your bedrooms, please?